I've been in such a fog...
Tears. They’ve been rolling down my cheeks the last few weeks. All of this has been a harder transition than I ever imagined.
For me, when God laid this calling on our hearts there was so much excitement but also a little reservation/fear. It was an ebb & flow of both, but there was trust. Trust and bold faith that God called us to this, so it would be great!
These past few weeks have been hard. Really hard. I’ve had so much doubt followed by tears. I’ve asked God over and over “why”.
I’ve been grieving my home, our pool, my fenced in back yard, the comfort and daily routines. I’ve grieved our big Christmas tree with twinkle lights surrounded by presents. I’ve grieved my brandnew granite island that I didn’t get to enjoy, the one I dreamed of having the kids help me bake Christmas treats on. I’ve grieved so much and am still am. To be raw, I feel like things are being taken away.
Lord I know You give and take away. I know You know what’s best for us and want what’s best for us, but I’m really in a fog and am having trouble seeing past my losses. Losses that were truly never mine to begin with….
If you know me, you know that I’m an extroverted introvert, meaning that I love people and love being around people, but I also love being a homebody and not going anywhere at all…. for days, ha!
Being in this RV, our rig, has been a major adjustment for this extroverted introvert! Nothing is constant, I can’t be a homebody for any length of time because we’re living in such a tiny space we have to get outside. The kids want to be outside and I want them to be outside; however, I can’t just send them out to safely play in the fenced in backyard because there is none.
It’s stretching me. It’s all so different and so much all at once.
But we don’t grow and become more like Christ in the comfort, do we....
I know that God has a plan for all of this, I know He’s going to use our family for His glory in some way or maybe many ways. However, in all honesty, I’ve lost sight of His peace and comfort. I’ve allowed the enemy to whisper lies and drag me into a pool of regrets, why’s and sorrow. In a pool where I feel like so much has been and is continuing to be taken away.
Oh what a faithless woman I am.
I KNOW Who God is and what He is capable of
I KNOW He does big things
I KNOW He’s trustworthy and true
Yet here I am, struggling daily, actually hourly to have peace and joy. Tears stream as I write this, as I confess this fog that I’ve been in.
All through this journey God has reminded me over and over of Abraham. A man God asked to leave everything he’d ever known and move far away. He left his home, his family & friends, even his local grocery store. Do you know what Abraham did? He did it. God called and he went. He left it all and according to the Bible, he didn’t sulk or ask “why” when He asked him to go. And that’s not the only time God asked him to do something bold, again Abraham with bold faith did as God asked.
Lord give me bold, unquestioning faith like Abraham. Lord I know You are for me and never against me. Lord give me your peace and joy as we go through with this obedience of being called to do something bold.
Recently in my online BSF bible study after reading about Lot we were asked this question... “what are you holding onto or longing for that may be destructive for you or your family?”
The Lord convicted me. I’m holding onto our old home. I can’t even see pictures of it because it hurts. I’m not letting go and truly enjoying what He has for me right now. I’m not living as the faith filled woman that I am. I have bold faith, I’ve been through so much and thankfully learned long ago that God is trustworthy and faithful. So why this fog?
I’m praying, I’ve reached out and asked for prayer. Will you pray?
God is big and will do big things and He will be glorified.
Use this, use me, all for Your glory.